Chapter 3.

     "One is left with the horrible feeling now that war settles nothing; that to win a war is as disastrous as to lose one."


~Agatha Christie



We were just sitting there in the dark when she started to sob, deep shaking sobs of pain and years of hurt. As far as I could tell they were coming out of the blue, I hadn't said anything in hours, I don't even know if she knew I was awake, but she started talking.

"I was here at the time, just drinking at a bar with my rich bastard boy friend. I went outside to check a voice-mail and I had eleven missed calls. They were all from my brother, I have four younger brothers, I'm the oldest. I'm the oldest by five years, I basically raised them all myself since my parents got divorced when I was ten."

I didn't bother interrupting her, I just kept listening.

"The message said that my brother was in the hospital, he was in a coma and that they weren't sure if he was going to wake up. So my boyfriend put me on a plane and the next thing I knew I was in a hospital in LA, watching my brother have seizures in his hospital bed. He was twenty five and had just gotten home from Iraq. He was apparently really depressed and no one told me. I was so upset that no one told me."

She broke off into tears again. I don't know if she was even aware of my presence.

"My dad was there, and my other brothers, but they had to escort my dad out of the hospital because he had a nervous breakdown. Earlier that morning he had been yelling at my brother that he wasn't in Iraq anymore and he had to get his life together, he had to man up and start being responsible.

"My brother was diagnosed with PTSD and he couldn't sleep because he kept having dreams about what happened over there. The Army was sending him Prozac in the mail but no one was checking up on him. He was very depressed and drinking heavily. All he wanted to do was sleep, so he took some Tylenol PM. The nurses kept asking us if we knew what it could be that he could have taken to make him so unresponsive. He started having multiple heart attacks and flat lining. They used the defibrillator on him four times. They told us that they couldn't use it anymore or they would kill him."

I felt a stab of pain in my stomach and started to cry as well. So many conflicting feelings were swirling in my mind, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. She continued.

"I had to sign a paper, since my dad was gone, that said that they couldn't do anything more for him. I had to sign a paper saying that my brother was going to die. They told me they had never seen a man so young and so unresponsive. He kept having seizures and heart attacks and there was nothing we could do but watch.

"The next thing I knew he was dead, they pulled a sheet over his face and started bringing me all of these papers to sign. Then I was planning the funeral, picking out a casket and flower arrangements. I didn't even think about grieving because I was so focused on the event planning side, making sure everything would go off without a hitch. I was trying to be strong for my brothers.

"My four surviving brothers were the Pall-bearers and Ryan, the youngest, collapsed on the way up the aisle. He couldn't take it. He just fell on his knees and the casket fell with him and he started bawling. My uncle had to get up and help them the rest of the way.

"I never talk about this. I never had the chance to properly grieve. This happened five years ago and it feels like no time has passed. It feels like time has just stopped."

She stopped talking then. The silence was thick and I said a few things in an effort to comfort her, but they fell on deaf ears. This was my first contact with someone who had a loved one die in the conflict over seas. Her brother didn't pass away while he was in Iraq, but the wounds he suffered there were deep and lasting. The full extent of the damage wasn't clear to anyone until it was too late.

There is only so much carnage a man can see before it is too much. Life is sacred, all life, whether it be American, Iraqi, Afghan or Japanese. War is something that will only persist as long as people sign up to fight in it. If you know anyone who has fought over seas, or is currently fighting. Talk to them about it. Don't let them go through it day after day alone. If you know someone who wants to go into the military, try to talk them out of it. Life is worth so much more.

Chapter 1.

She would only tell me "I love you" in the darkest hours of the night, in the smallest voice, a child's voice. She wouldn't let herself the luxury of saying it out loud, audible only to the closest listener.

"What did you say?" I would ask, and she would not reply, feigning sleep. Glancing over at the clock I would note the time, three in the morning.

Plausible deniability was a big part of our relationship. Neither one of us would commit to anything if we didn't  have to. And yet, it was the closest I ever came to true love.

It started with a bang. We were introduced by a mutual friend, Anne, who was a tall, curvy brunette with the most beautiful face I had ever seen. She didn't want to get involved with me though, she just wanted to be friends. "But I have this really cool friend whom I think you would really like" she told me. Great. I've been there before, left on the side of the road holding the spare tire while the girl I was really hoping to take a ride with drives off without me. So I decided, why not? I'll take my consolation prize and have fun either way.

Anne set up a date for me to meet her friend, Amy. We were neighbors at the time, Anne and I, she invited me over to her place to smoke before we would go to the concert together as a group. My friend Joe, Anne, Amy and myself.

Anne didn't tell me that Amy was going to be at her place, though. It was an ambush. I didn't have my guard up at all when I walked up the stairs to her room. They were just laying there on her bed, freshly wrapped in french lingerie, made up like a couple of my-size barbie dolls that just went through the devil's school of seduction. How did I get into this situation so fast?

"Take it easy" I said to myself, "this can't be what I think it is."

"Take a seat" Anne said, "this is my friend, Amy."

"Nice to meet you, Amy." I said, shaking her hand as I looked into her wide, innocent eyes.

"We are still getting ready, I hope you don't mind waiting a little. I just bought this stuff, I haven't smoked it yet so I don't know if it's any good." Anne said as she put a blossom into her purple grinder.

"Here, why don't you let me do that." Amy told Anne authoritatively with a little chuckle and a smile to ease the gesture. She shot a glance in my direction as she tightened her glossy lips, exposing her shiny white teeth. She probably had braces growing up. I've always found braces endearingly sexy.

It was torturous. Anne had a boyfriend at the time and I knew the guy, so I couldn't very well start making moves on his girl friend. And I just met, this instant, Amy. I hold myself to the standard of a gentleman, so I didn't want to stare, but these girls were fully aware of their hold on me. They writhed on the bed, arching their backs and rubbing their thighs and calves together as they lay together. I can't say if Amy was biting her lip or not.

"Be calm" I told myself, "this can't go on forever." But how long were they going to just lay there in their lace bras and thigh-highs? I couldn't look, and I couldn't look away. My heart raced and boomed in my chest, "surely they can see my veins pulsing, surely the can hear the deafening drum of the blood draining from my mind to lower regions" I thought to myself. But they denied me any recognition and passed the joint in unaffected indifference.

"Thank God, maybe this will help me calm down a bit" I reasoned.  I took a deep drag and held it in. The herb was thick and sticky, gumming up my thoughts even more. It hit me immediately, I felt the shivers go down my neck and the paranoia set in. I could see these two half naked temptresses watching me indirectly, out of the corners of their black-lined eyes.

Anne grabbed me first by the arm and pulled me down onto the bed and started to kiss me. Amy climbed on top, straddling me, and started to kiss my chest. I didn't know where I was anymore. All I knew was that I was the object of their desire. It was a blinding force, like a tidal wave over my entire body, washing away all thoughts and emotions, leaving nothing but dim confusion and acceptance.

Their hands were everywhere. I was sure there were more than four, but I couldn't open my eyes to  confirm. I was in the clutches of the great hungry beast of passion and I dared not defy her.

"Hey guys, you ready?" Joe called up from down stairs. And in an instant the girls were on their feet, fully dressed, looking down at me saying,

"Are you coming?"

They turned off the light on their way out, leaving me alone in the dark, reeling.

Sun